let Him be enough

alright well i think i'll do a week's reflection real quick just to update you guys.

to put this week into two words, i would use the phrase absolutely brutal.

so a few weeks ago, I had this huge realization that I needed to work towards giving my education and future to God. I needed to let Him have it, and do all the work for Him and offer up the stress for Him. I thought for sure doing that would make my classes easier. Like He could help guide me in my studying if I offered it up to Him, if I carried that cross in order to follow His will and to get where He wants me to be.

well, then a round of tests happened. and it was probably my worst one yet.

its not that i'm failing my classes ( at least not most of them....) ..its just that i'm not living up to my expectations. since middle school, i have always put my self worth into my grades. my sister was always the pretty one, the one with tons of friends and boyfriends who was good at sports and everybody loved. and i was the good girl, the excellent student. so i learned that as long as my grades stayed perfect, my worth was intact.

so now i offered it up to God, and He's saying "no no chelsea, i'm taking that away. Say goodbye to your high gpa, being at the top of every curve, being the one people ask for help on homework. thats not what makes a life worthwhile. I'm taking that away so all you have is Me."

I've spent a good portion of my prayer this week just asking Him What the heck?? i've been asking all kinds of questions about why I can't do well even though i'm pouring my whole life into school and God right now...why, if this is what He wants me to do, i feel like i'm constantly falling behind and not making Him proud of His daughter.

going back to Gina's post...without Him we are nothing. we can never hope to be anything, regardless of whether our intentions are good or not, if we aren't putting Him as our first priority, and if we aren't making our relationship with Him the definition of our self worth.

when i take a test that i thought went terribly, i feel like my world is ending. i know that sounds melodramatic...but academics have become so much a part of who i am that its hard to separate my life from my grades sometimes.

but prayer has brought me some peace. i wouldn't say i'm anywhere near all the way there, but at least i have a little perspective. a bad test, a bad semester...thats not the end of the world.

the end of the world is missing an opportunity to fall in love.

the end of the world is seeing your brother or sister in Christ in need, and not helping them.

the end of the world is turning your back on God.

the end of the world is telling God that you don't need Him...that something else is more important than Him, and getting angry with Him when He doesn't give you that thing you think you need so badly.

and that's what i did. I've been putting my grades before God my whole life. and now, finally, i'm starting to see that the dean's list is not the list of people whose lives are worthwhile. not even close. God has that list, and it has everybody's name on it. how fantastic.

here's a song that came on my ipod while i was walking to campus from Rosary this morning... i found it pretty pertinent.

I wish I had what I need
To be on my own
'Cause I feel so defeated
And I'm feeling alone

And it all seems so helpless
And I have no plans
I'm a plane in the sunset
With nowhere to land

And all I see
It could never make me happy And all my sand castles
Spend their time collapsing

Let me know that You hear me
Let me know Your touch
Let me know that You love me
Let that be enough

it's my new spiritual goal to make God enough. I want Him to be my number one, the one who can get me through class struggles, and stress, and loneliness, and hopelessness. His love is always enough.